Overparenting is a term coined during the last decade that describes how parents (with good intentions) over-assist their children with tasks such as homework, scheduling, and communicating with other adults and peers. This intervention, however well-intentioned, can result in your child struggling to develop essential life skills that research shows are key to transitioning successfully to adulthood.
What is Overparenting?
While the line might blur a bit between good parenting and overparenting, there are some definite distinctions between the two. One expert in the field, Judith Locke, describes this type of parent as “extremely responsive.” In her book, “The Bonsai Tree,” Locke uses the analogy of a Bonsai tree to describe how raising a child in an overly protective environment can result in the atrophy of life skills and the failure to launch–or the inability to cope in the real world.
In the quest to provide the ultimate childhood experience, it’s easy to fall into the trap of overparenting. We list some examples of overparenting later in this article, but you can also judge your parenting by answering the following questions. If you answer yes to any of the following questions, you are likely exhibiting overparenting qualities:
- Do you praise your child for every little thing?
- Do you treat your child like they are younger than they are and refuse to let them take on child-appropriate tasks?
- Do you fill up all your child’s free time?
- Do you fulfill your child’s every need and find it uncomfortable if your child is bored or unhappy?
- Do you refuse to let your child fail, even if it means completing homework for them or negotiating expectations on their behalf with other teachers or adults?
- Do you step in and solve problems without giving your child a shot at resolving them first?
The Overparenting Crisis
In the last decade, research has shown that overparenting practices have become a barrier to healthy child development, learning, and overall well-being.
While there are many factors at play, societal changes like economic insecurity or pressure and technology have increased pressure on parents to create the perfect life for their children. Struggling children look like failures to family and friends and are embarrassing to parents.
Overparenting often stems from the belief that parents see themselves as responsible for helping their children make better choices—including what colleges to attend, what jobs to take, and what type of life they should lead.
5 Examples Of Overparenting
Parents care deeply about their children–this much is clear. But in recent years, overparenting has led to power struggles, inappropriate expectations, and controlling parenting behaviors. The effects on your child could be long-lasting and devastating, as studies now show that overparenting can lead to reduced resilience, anxiety, entitlement, and a lack of life skills and self-efficacy in children–the exact opposite of what any good parent wants.
Use these 5 examples of overparenting as a mirror to evaluate your own parenting expectations and behavior:
Micromanagement With A Capital “M”
Micromanaging your child can include anything from cleaning your teen’s room to monitoring their diet or exercise or managing their personal schedules or relationships. A good rule of thumb is to never do something for your child that he is capable of doing himself. We all learn by doing–you may not like the end result if you let your child do his laundry, but your child will learn essential life skills and likely discover why everyone washes dark colors in cold water.
You Are The Only Problem-Solver They Will Ever Need
Overprotective parents love to be the one to solve all the problems. Stepping in when a child fails to complete homework or school projects, or taking over tasks when their child gets stuck, rather than letting them struggle through it, asking a teacher for a better grade, or complaining to your child’s employer robs your child of the crucial life skills like working with others, developing resilience, and advocating for himself.
Hovering Over Every Move
Failing is one of the best teachers. Let your child learn from this effective teacher, and this life lessons class will produce a capable adult who can problem-solve.
No Expectations, No Problem!
If you’re the type of parent who can’t stand seeing a child in distress, unhappy, or bored, chances are you are great at overparenting. Parents who can’t cope with an upset, unhappy, or bored child find ways to ensure their child is always entertained and never uncomfortable. They have few expectations and do much of the heavy lifting around the house and for their child in virtually every area of their lives.
The Last Word in Decision-Making
Viewed as the capable one in the relationship, many parents go overboard when making decisions for their children, which can destroy a child’s sense of autonomy. Consult your child about the decisions that will affect them, and let them have a voice when it comes to making their schedules, what classes they will take, who they will live with, what college they will attend, etc.
The Corrosive Effects of Overparenting
Like air and water on pure metal, over time, the corrosive effects of overparenting will erode your child’s sense of self and autonomy. As early as 2012, a study found that overparenting can lead to:
- A lack of resilience
- Sense of entitlement and narcissistic behaviors
- Inadequate development of life skills
- Lower self-esteem
- Ineffective coping skills
- Increase in anxiety and depression
Referring back to the Bonsai tree analogy, Locke said just like exposure to the elements can make a tree stronger, exposing children to age-appropriate challenges will create a stronger sense of self and resiliency over time.
If your child can’t manage their schedule and relationships or make decisions about their future, what makes you think they can do so as an adult? The time to practice those skills is now, during their teenage years.
How To Stop Overparenting
The bottom line is this: give your kids some breathing room. This is the only way to encourage independence and self-reliance. They must learn by doing; there is no other way!
We know it’s scary for parents to think about, but there are healthy ways to transfer some of the responsibility for living life back to your teen, where it belongs. Start with any one of these:
1. Give kids as much responsibility as they can handle at their respective age.
2. Let kids be bored.
3. Don’t jump in too quickly to solve problems; let them struggle with it.
4. Teach your kids how to do things. Follow this pattern: show them once, have them do it with you, and then have them do it independently.
5. Encourage your kids to have a growth mindset–failure is instructive, not a judgment of character.
6. Let natural consequences play out.
7. Let your kids speak for themselves.
For more ideas on how you can stop overparenting, download this free Pure Life white paper, Road To Independence. This white paper is written for young adults, parents, or anyone needing advice on helping themselves or a loved one achieve independence while transitioning between adolescence and adulthood. In this indispensable guide, you’ll find an overview of the difficulties that can arise during the transition into adulthood, along with the following topics:
- Signs You (or Your Loved One) Needs Help Achieving Independence
- The Difference Between Empowering and EnablingFor Parents: Helping Your Loved One Achieve Independence
- For Young Adults: How to Achieve Independence
- What is Outdoor Adventure Therapy?
- Why is Exposure to a Novel Environment Key in Achieving Independence?
- What to Look for in an Effective Treatment Program
Speaking of help, it’s okay for parents to ask for help, too! Pure Life has a variety of different programs–from gap year and adventure therapy programs to teen and adolescent life coaching programs–that can provide extra support for your family. Contact Pure Life today for a free consultation!
