Watching our children experience discomfort and struggle is not something parents enjoy. Because we love our children, it is natural to want to comfort, protect and prevent any type of pain for our children. However, sometimes discomfort and struggle are vital to our adult child’s growth. While it is out of love, many parents are guilty of enabling adult children. While the desire to help your child is a perfectly natural feeling, stopping enabling behaviors is crucial to making sure your child gets back on track to a normal adult lifestyle.
As parents, it can be difficult to recognize what behaviors are enabling our adult children. When we try to “right the ship”, we often go overboard with our actions. Stopping enabling behavior This doesn’t mean kicking your child into the street with no warning or casting him or her off. It does mean establishing boundaries and setting consequences for crossing those boundaries.
Five Rules For Stopping Enabling Behavior
Here are five rules you can start implementing right now to prevent enabling behavior and help your adult child on a path to independence, learning, and becoming a self-sufficient, responsible adult.
1. DO NOT Lend Your Adult Child Money If You Suspect They Are Self Medicating
This is a hard one for many parents. Children have a way of pulling at their heartstrings, and no parent wants to see their child go without. However, funding your child’s self-medication is an example of enabling behavior, and can be detrimental to his or her success as an adult.
If your child explains that he or she needs money for gas to get to work or lunch to take to class, offer him or her a ride, or to let them make a sandwich. If you notice that this is a pattern—they ask for money for necessities like rides or food, you can offer support in the form of helping set up a budget or offer to help them find an app to track their expenses and income.
They might reject your offer, but the next time they ask for money, you can offer again or simply affirm the difficulties of adulthood. This would sound like, “Oh yeah, I totally understand. When I was in college, we ate Ramen almost exclusively because we were so broke! Come over for dinner on Saturday, and we’ll make your favorite!” It can also sound like, “When Dad and I were newlyweds, we had a really lean month right around my birthday, and we didn’t have money for gifts or even dinner out. Dad made me the sweetest homemade card and then splurged and got us a pizza, it was so special to me.” By talking this way to your adult children, you not only show empathy and connection, but the impact is even greater.
First, you are showing them that being “broke” is part of growing into adulthood and that even when you don’t have a lot of extra cash, ingenuity, and camaraderie can alleviate some of the discomfort of your financial situation. Second, you are cueing your child to think that they are an adult. Instead of jumping in to fix their financial issues, you commiserate, as you would if your peer came to you and complained about the cost of the new roof they need or the vacation they can’t afford. Financial boundaries are especially important if your young adult has a history of substance use. If you suspect they are self-medicating, do not offer to lend or give them any money.
2. Establish Rules, Limits, and Boundaries
When establishing boundaries and setting limits for your adult child, it is crucial to remain calm and assertive as you approach him or her about the subject. Even if he or she gets emotional or irrational, it is vital to make sure that you are the voice of reason.
- Setting Financial Boundaries : Explain you will not be indiscriminately providing spending money for anything- gas, food, clothes, nothing. Establish that he or she will need to obtain employment and earn any spending money.
- Setting Household Boundaries: Remember: your house, your rules. Establish that substances are not to be brought into your home, used in your home, and that if he or she comes home under the influence, that there will be consequences. Setting household boundaries may involve establishing rules for responsibilities such as laundry, buying groceries, cooking, cleaning, etc. This may also involve restricting access to television, internet, or video games until a desired task or chore is completed (i.e. helping out with housework or applying for a job/school).
- Setting Rules for Autonomy: While many young adults are used to being on their own schedules, parents still deserve common courtesy. If your child is living at home, it is perfectly acceptable to ask for a courtesy text if he or she will miss dinner. While it is fine for him or her to keep their own schedule, coming home late and waking up those who have to work in the morning is not fair. Establishing a household curfew is perfectly acceptable because: your house, your rules.
3. Stick to Your Established Boundaries and Set Consequences
No means no. Period. Also remember, it is okay to say “I changed my mind.” It is also vital to stick to any established consequences regarding these boundaries. Understandably, this is very hard to do—we have a biological imperative to keep our kids alive, and they are pretty good at making us feel like their current crisis is apocalyptic (which, again, is their biological imperative).
You aren’t a bad parent for struggling to keep boundaries, and they aren’t necessarily a bad kid for pushing those boundaries. It’s the natural push and pull of seeking independence, and it’s likely been going on since they were two! It was hard when they wanted the candy at the checkout line when they were four, and it’s hard now that they are 19 and want money.
The stakes are higher now, which means it’s even more important to practice setting and keeping boundaries. The best part about boundaries with your adult kids is that you’ll get plenty of opportunities to practice! They will keep asking, pushing, and begging for more; your job is to steadily hold the line. Typically, boundaries with adult kids will work better when you give them less to argue with- so repeat the same thing over and over, don’t overreact to any comments meant to get a reaction from you, and if they start talking to you in a way you wouldn’t accept from a peer, stop the conversation.
This looks like, “I am not giving you cash, but I am happy to take you to the grocery store and buy milk, bread, and eggs.” Note the clarity and specificity of the boundary- the “no” was given, as was the “yes” of the specific food the parent is willing to buy.
An important note about boundaries: they are not meant to control other people. A boundary is not a command or a threat. It is a boundary with yourself, not your child. Your boundary is not to give them cash, pay for their cell phone, or let them live in your house; you are responsible for holding it. It is not your child’s job to stop asking, it is your job to make asking for money so ineffective they learn to ask for something else or learn to get money on their own. The consequences of not holding your boundaries are significant.
4. Allow for Failure
Failure is a normal, healthy part of identity development. As a parent, however, it can be excruciating to watch. Your body, brain, and heart will revolt and beg you to intervene when you see your child fail. You will experience profound discomfort, especially at the beginning of allowing (and watching) your kid fail. This is where you can practice something called distress tolerance.
We all need this skill but usually struggle to do it because it’s inherently uncomfortable. Distress tolerance is learning how to manage your internal emotions, reactions, fears, and panic without needing to do anything to stop the cause of the distress. Remember when your child was learning to walk, and you knew they would fall a few times before they got the hang of it? It was distressing to see them take those tumbles, especially when they resulted in pain for your child. How did you cope internally when they fell while learning to walk? You likely reassured yourself that falls are part of learning to walk. You probably put some safeguards around, especially at the beginning, like pillows or gates in front of stairs. You encouraged your child even when they fell, and instead of putting them back in the high chair, you likely set them back on their feet and had them try again.
Try to use that same energy when your child fails as a young adult—encouraging, supportive, and trusting the process. While offering to help pick up the pieces if he or she falls is okay, you have to let them stumble. If you don’t let them figure out things for themselves, it will be much more difficult for them to learn things on their own. And remember: failure means they’re trying!
5. You Can’t Give a Person Self Esteem
Self-esteem is earned by trying, failing, trying again, and succeeding. Winston Churchill said, “Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.” Self-esteem isn’t something you can instill in your child; it is something they have to earn. That’s why it’s called “building” self-esteem; it takes time, brick by brick, to build. Self-esteem is created when you are knocked down 10 times but get up 11, and there’s a reason for that: you are showing your brain that even when things are hard, you are the kind of person who keeps trying. This point ties nicely into allowing failure because, without failure, we can not build self-esteem. Building self-esteem is crucial for adulthood, especially with the uncertainty and identity-building inherent to this developmental stage.
Possible Effects Of Enabling Your Adult Children
The biggest negative side effect of enabling adult children is that you prevent them from learning the skills needed to be successful and independent in their own life. While it can be difficult to watch our adult children struggle financially, socially, with work or other responsibilities, every time you step in and solve a problem or ease a burden, you are taking away a learning opportunity. You stunt their growth by removing exercises that build confidence, teach them new skills, and require responsibility.
Consider a basic skill like tying your shoes. This is a skill most children acquire by the time they are in elementary school. As parents, we know it is important to teach them because we aren’t with them at school all day; we know they need to be able to tie their shoes when the bow falls out. However, if you always tie their shoes, showed up any time their shoe came undone or chose to purchase shoes that didn’t require a tie, they would never have the opportunity to learn that skill and implement it. This would not only limit the shoes they could wear as an adult, but there are other instances where tying a bow or knot would be needed and your adult children wouldn’t have this skill. This is the same process as other aspects of adulthood. We, as parents, do not want to remove opportunities for growth that will benefit our children throughout their lives.
In fact, nearly 50% of parents in the US support their children financially. This is likely for a number of reasons, including rising costs of education, housing, food, and other goods.
However, it also indicates another issue—young adults become dependent on their parents and the lifestyle their money affords them. They might be able to make it on their own if they weren’t buying extra outfits and the newest tech gadgets, and eating at restaurants rather than making food at home. These sacrifices are just part of the growing up process, and by not allowing your young adult to have those experiences, you are crippling their ability to build confidence and self-efficacy.
How to Recognize the Signs You Are Enabling Your Adult Child
Even asking yourself if you might be enabling shows that you are an engaged and loving parent. It shows self-reflection, self-esteem, and a great deal of maturity to be willing to consider how you might be enabling your children. You are enabling two primary categories of signs: emotional and behavioral.
Emotional Signs You’re Enabling
There are a few telltale emotional signs that you are enabling, but guilt and resentment are the two big indicators. Guilt from either not giving them what they want or guilt you gave in. Guilt that your child isn’t flourishing how you thought they would. Guilt that you have enabled them in the past. Guilt can feel debilitating, and we do a lot to avoid this emotion. But guilt is often closely tied with resentment when it comes to enabling. Often, the parent spends a significant amount of time, energy, and money worrying about their young adult, but the young adult seems flippant or casual about life or the consequences of their choices. Resentment that your child isn’t engaging with life and seems listless and uninterested in their growth is painful and can cause ruptures in the relationship.
Behavioral Signs You’re Enabling
If you notice that your child doesn’t open their own mail, clean their car, or enroll in school, and you immediately start doing those tasks, you can be sure you are enabling. If you got a letter in the mail that looked like it could be a speeding ticket, but it was addressed to your neighbor, would you open the letter, find the payment information, and pay for the ticket? What if you knew your neighbor wouldn’t do anything about the ticket, and they might get into more trouble if they didn’t pay? You wouldn’t pay it for them. You wouldn’t open the letter. You might warn them when you give them the letter about the importance of paying tickets and that you can get warrants for arrest if you don’t pay. If it is your neighbor’s first time paying for a ticket online, you might offer to help if they get confused. But that’s about it. That’s because it’s their issue, not yours.
Why Parents Enable Their Grown Children (And How to Stop)
Parents want to protect their children from harm. That’s a good thing—especially when the children are young. Our drive to keep our kids physically and emotionally safe is part of our foundational makeup as parents. We feel distressed when our kids are distressed; that attunement is crucial for developing connection and safety within the relationship. The issue occurs when parents try to solve their child’s problem so they stop feeling distressed. Here’s a painful truth about enabling: if enabling were helpful to our kids, we would see them flourishing after we enable them. But enabling isn’t actually about helping our kids; it’s about avoiding our feelings. We don’t want to feel ashamed, embarrassed, guilty, angry, resentful, or sad about our adult children struggling. So, we prevent them from struggling by enabling them. And by preventing them from struggling by enabling them, we prevent them from actually growing, which would eventually lead to less struggle for our adult children.
Why It’s Hard for Parents to Let Go
You’ve poured decades, significant amounts of money, your sanity, and your love into your young adult. It’s painful to watch your young adult struggle; it simply is. The truth is that we think that by holding on tight, we can prevent our kids from struggling and suffering.
How to Overcome the Fear of Seeing Your Child Fail
Even if we hold tight, even if enabling worked, our kids would still experience struggle and pain. That’s the brutal reality of life—none of us get through it without some degree of heartbreak and loss. But when you enable your child, don’t let them fail, and never let them build their self-esteem, they won’t have the skills they need to overcome life’s brutalities.
Two ideas for overcoming the fear of seeing your child fail? First, ask yourself, “Will this support my young adults in building the skills they need for adulthood or not?” Handing your young adult fifty bucks for dinner out will not help them build skills for adulthood. Making a shopping list, searching for recipes, going to the grocery store, prepping the food, and budgeting with that same fifty dollars will support a young adult in building the skills they need for adulthood. Second, practice distress tolerance. This is a skill you can use in every area of your life—simply sit with the distress that comes up when you tell your child “no.” That’s right; just be in that distress. Don’t fix it, don’t avoid it, let it be with you. The beautiful thing about emotions is that when we truly feel them, they don’t last long, usually less than 2 minutes. If we avoid them, they are like ghosts that haunt us, likely to jump out in inopportune moments and scare us and those around us.
Steps Parents Can Take to End the Cycle of Enabling
The first step is to practice self-compassion. Being a parent is hard. Our demands are ever-increasing, we have stressors our parents didn’t have to worry about, and with social media, it’s easy to compare our parenting to others. In all likelihood, you are trying to be a good parent, so even when you mess up, it’s not because you want to mess up your kid.
You have made mistakes as a parent because you are, first and foremost, a human, meaning you will make mistakes. Make space for your mistakes and humanity, and you can do the same for your young adult. The next step is distress tolerance. Finding ways to manage your distress at your child’s distress is foundational to keeping boundaries and not enabling—the third step is to acknowledge that enabling is easier than not enabling. When you enable your young adult child, you are choosing a path that is easier for you at the moment but ultimately causes your child harm in the long run.
Finally, find something else to keep you busy. When you stop enabling your child, you might find that you have more time, mental energy, and money. Use those resources to fill your life with things that make you feel happy and fulfilled. Sometimes, we use adult children (and their problems) to keep us busy or avoid our own lives and problems. It’s hard to let go of the responsibility of your adult child, and finding something else to replace that responsibility is crucial. Take up water-coloring, get a puppy, volunteer at your local homeless shelter, join a running group, go back to school, and learn a new trade. Enjoy your newfound freedom and keep yourself busy.
Building Self-Esteem In Your Young Adult
Enabling adult children prevents opportunities to build self-esteem. If your child hasn’t had a lot of chances to build their own confidence and self-esteem, you can be the catalyst, and it’s important that you are.
“This is the most overlooked consequence of enabling. When we constantly step in to help or do for our kids, they get the message that they’re incapable.” – Andrew Taylor
Here are three ways you can start helping to improve your young adult’s self-esteem today.
1. Show Confidence
If your child sees that you have confidence in them, they will feel empowered to try. When someone else shows a level of trust and belief in our abilities, it can give us courage and confidence. Nurture their self-esteem by showing honest confidence in your adult child’s abilities.
2. Listen
Never underestimate the power of listening to your adult children. Regardless of their age, our children want to know they matter. They want to know that what they have to say and feel is of importance. Sometimes it takes more effort to listen than to offer advice, but when you listen, your child will feel nurtured and respected.
3. Let Them Fail
This may be the hardest task, but it is one of the most important. When we step in and prevent failure, we are taking away a learning moment. It is important for our young adults to see, feel and experience the negative consequences of their choices so they can learn what to do to prevent that negative experience in the future. It’s important to experience failure when the consequences are smaller. As we get older the consequences get much bigger when we don’t show up because we have more responsibilities. Failure is one of the best teachers and we want to instill confidence by letting our children stumble, learn how and why they stumbled, and then try again.
Self-Medication In Young Adults
Self-medication in young adults can be dangerous. Our white paper will share the dangers of self-medicating, signs of self-medication in young adults, ways to stop enabling adult children, and ways you can support your young adult through treatment.
If you are feeling concerned about your young adult, please download our whitepaper for ways you can help them. If you want to learn more about Pure Life’s adventure therapy program, please contact us today.
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