Identity formation is a normal process for any developing teenager or young adult. As your child grows and develops, it’s normal to explore new ideas, question existing values, and sometimes embrace new values or world views. Most important during this time is that the quest for young adult identity does not damage your child’s self-esteem and relationship with others.
Identity Formation And Building Identity
By young adulthood, most people can make a list of different types of identity in order of importance, although the solidification of that persona can last a lifetime, and your identity development could change over time even if you feel your identity was solidified in your youth. First on the list would be the most solid, most important elements of that individual’s identity. For most people, these important elements include gender identity, sexual orientation, race, ethnicity, and religion. Many of these identities are formed around who the person was when they were born (black, male, etc.) Near the end of the list would be the elements of identity that are more malleable and open to change, like what talents and strengths make you who you are.
But what happens when a formative element of how you see yourself is different from that of the vast majority of people around you? For example, what if you identify as gay or transsexual in a majority straight or cis-gendered area? What about identifying as Black in an all-white neighborhood? Nothing is wrong with being “different” but that doesn’t make the experience easy.
Consider Booker, a young black gay man raised in a conservative Christian household. Booker’s identity journey involves navigating his sexual orientation, race, and faith. Initially, his family and religious community views on sexuality and gender create a conflict with his identity. But over time, Booker looks deeper into his community and finds a progressive church that embraces LGBTQ+ individuals. This supportive community creates a space where he feels accepted. His race and ethnicity will also play a role in shaping his experience. He will find deeper connection and empathy with other Black LGBTQ+ individuals who share similar struggles. This intersection of different types of identity illustrates how identity formation–gender, sexual orientation, race, ethnicity, and religion—are deeply interwoven, evolving, and dynamic.
The Challenges Of Fitting In
Identity gives a sense of belonging in a community of people. It gives us a feeling of “I am one of them.” But when an individual sees him or herself differently than those around them, it can have the opposite effect. Many adolescents and young adults who develop a “minority identity” feel isolated and out of place. The perceived lack of community can cause these individuals to struggle with self-love and acceptance. This can make the normally murky transition to adulthood even more challenging.
Fear, stigma, and rejection often color these individual’s experiences of identity development. Often when they are still very young, there is a moment when an individual is confronted with society’s rejection of an element of their core identity. For example, in cases of racial or ethnic minorities, this might mean the individual experiences open prejudice or racism for the first time. The result of this initial encounter can be anger, hurt, questioning of self, and even shame. The individual then attempts to reconcile these feelings, sometimes through rejection of the majority identity group, and sometimes through attempted immersion into it.
Young adult identity formation can be emotionally charged, and it’s important to seek understanding and empathy. Being different in identity can often feel stressful, and you and your loved one might feel stuck, unsure of how to move forward in this unchartered territory.
Not fitting in can be emotionally and mentally challenging. When individuals feel like they don’t belong, it can impact their self-acceptance, sense of identity, and overall mental health in the following ways:
- Isolation and loneliness
- Low self-esteem and self-doubt
- Mental health issues
- Internal conflict
- Social rejection and stigma
- Identity confusion
- Pressure to conform
- A constant fear of judgment
To cope with these overwhelming feelings, it’s important to find a supportive community, like Booker did. You can also seek professional help. Therapy, counseling, or a life coach can provide you with tools for managing feelings of isolation and low self-worth. They can help you reframe your journey by practicing self-love and compassion. Embracing your true identity is one of the most crucial steps you can take to overcome some of the emotional and mental trauma associated with not fitting in.
Embrace Being Different
In the case of sexual and gender identity, LGBTQ adolescents often struggle with the potential of familial rejection. It is heartbreaking to think that personal identity might estrange a young adult from their family forever. Strong social pressures may cause these individuals to reject their identities (at least for a while) in order to “fit in” and maintain relationships with their families and friends.
There are many ways that different identities can clash with social norms. For example, consider how an individual with a different cultural background or minority identity might feel inadequate if they’re constantly compared to the dominant culture’s standards, leading them to doubt their value and identity. Or how a student from a minority ethnic group might experience heightened stress and anxiety from feeling marginalized or stereotyped at school. In another scenario, a person who identifies as non-binary, but is part of a family that upholds traditional gender views, might experience internal conflict between their authentic self and familial expectations. All of these examples show how difficult it can be to develop your own identity while also navigating social norms.
The struggle to develop a minority identity and overcome rejection can sometimes lead to potentially serious mental health disorders like anxiety and depression. For those supporting a friend or family member who has a minority identity, the most important thing is acceptance. Accepting and supporting the person for who they are gives them security to go out and face the world and seek the help they may need. If your child is struggling to cope with accepting his changing identity, it is crucial that family and friends offer support during this time and not judgment or rejection.
For those dealing with this type of identity development, there is hope and help. As lonely as being “different” might feel, there is a community out there for everyone. You will find “your people.” You deserve to be accepted. Spend time finding out who you really are. Read, write, talk, and experience the world in order to find others that you connect with. Don’t be afraid to seek help from a trusted adult. Having a support system in place through therapy, counseling, or talking to a parent or friend can help ease the burden.
Finding Your Tribe: Embrace Who You Are
A minority persona does not mean you cannot find community with those different from you. We can all connect on our most basic of similarities–our humanity. This is especially important to remember for individuals whose identity might cause friction within their family. The underlying framework of family is love. That means that there is always hope when navigating differences in identity.
Difference is a good thing, although it might not always feel that way. Being different in and of itself can create a sense of belonging. You can find connection with all kinds of people simply by finding common ground with and appealing toward their experience of being different. This makes you an incredibly approachable person and a great friend. Everyone has at least some experience with not fitting in.
You don’t have to sit and wait for the right person or experience to come to you. You can get started today by proactively doing the following:
- Identify Your Interests and Needs–Find a quiet spot and write down your core values and interests. This will help you find the right community that aligns with your values and interests.
- Research Online Communities–Look for social media groups and online communities that align and support your values. Search by keywords related to your interests and identity.
- Attend Local Meetups and Events–Nothing beats socializing face-to-face. Local events are a great way to meet others like you close to home. Check online platforms like Meetup.com, Eventbrite, or local community boards.
- Volunteering is a great way to give back to your community and support the causes and values that are dear to your heart. You’ll also meet others who value this. Nonprofits, church communities, and service organizations are great resources.
- Lastly, be honest about who you are and what you’re looking for in a community.
Practicing Self Love
Being different has never been easy. Self-love, defined as a state of appreciation for oneself, is vital to your emotional well-being. Try any of the following to improve the way you see yourself and others by practicing these self-love techniques:
- Use Positive Affirmations–Psychology has shown that what you consistently tell yourself over time becomes your truth. Learn how to use affirmations to believe that your self-worth is inherent in your humanity.
- Establish Self-care Routines–Keeping a gratitude journal, complimenting yourself, setting healthy boundaries, or prioritizing your own needs that bring you joy will feed your soul and promote self-acceptance and self-esteem.
- Seek A Listening Ear–Professional life coaches or psychologists are trained to help their clients work through emotional challenges and build healthy behavior and thought patterns.
- Speak Kindly–Try talking to yourself like you would your best friend. This includes forgiving yourself and putting self-judgment on hold.
Self-love teaches you the importance of putting yourself first. Practicing self-love leads to these long-lasting mental health benefits:
- Happiness
- Self-acceptance
- Self-esteem
- Self-awareness
- Self-forgiveness
Overcoming Identity-Based Challenges
If you’ve been struggling with identity-based challenges for any length of time, you are no stranger to things like discrimination, prejudice, and internal conflicts. These challenges can leave you mentally and physically drained. They can also cause you to question your self-worth.
Practicing self-love will help you feel secure about your own identity. To maintain healthy relationships with family, friends, and partners while your identity is evolving, you must first accept and love yourself.
This is the time to develop resilience and succeed by overcoming challenges. It will not be easy, but it’s possible with the right type of support. Above all, respect yourself and build a supportive community in your local area, online, with your family, and with health care professionals.
Finding Self in a Complex World
The road to self-identity can be full of uncertainty and self-doubt, especially for Millennials. If you’re curious about how today’s young adult experiences can shape identity, this White Paper is for you. Its unique perspective comes across as authentic because it was written BY a millennial FOR other millennials, and it is an informative look into the mind of the millennial and Gen Z struggle to define and accept identity in a complicated world.
Along with the author’s personal experience, “Millennial Identity: Unique Aspects & How The Modern Young Adult’s Experience Shapes Identity” draws on recent surveys of diverse groups of millennials to help the reader understand the social and mental impacts of identity formation in today’s youth.
Pure Life is truly engaged in the work of improving the lives of today’s youth. We offer adventure therapy, life coaching, and gap years as a holistic way to approach “growing up” in today’s complicated and diverse universe. We love to help, so if you need professional advice, please reach out for a free consultation!
